Hawgsmoke.com

Hawgsmoke 2010
13-16 October 2010
Boise, Idaho

Recruitment

Dear Mr. McCartney-

This is in response to the email you sent me regarding your services as recruiter.  Currently I am employed as a US Air Force Fighter Pilot flying A-10 Warthawg for the 25th Fighter Squadron, Osan AB, Republic of Korea.  My contract with the USAF does not expire until 2006.  Here are some of my qualifications nonetheless, just in case any of your clients are in need of someone with my expertise:

  1. The ability to employ my aircraft, the feared A-10 Warthawg, as one of the most capable ground attack/CAS platforms in the world.
  2. Protect South Korea from communist hordes led by the Great Pornographer, Kim Jung Ill.
  3. Drop cluster munitions from 10,000 feet onto unsuspecting North Koreans and send 202 individual bomblets of wrath and fury into their starving, bloated, pink bodies.
  4. Take a 6000 foot slant range Forced-No-Solution High-angle gun shot and kill troops in their wimpy little APC's with reckless abandon.  Do you have any idea, Mr. McCartney, what a 30mm Armor Piercing Incendiary round that is as long as your forearm does as it boars through a tank's walls like Jell-O?  Let me tell you, it's not pretty.
  5. Get wicked ass drunk at the Officer's club on Friday nights, smokin' big fat Cuban cigars (this is Korea, not the US), drink Gin and Tonic like water, throw furniture off the roof, say 'f@#$' a lot, and piss off all the wives and hapless souls who hate our guts because they are not fighter pilots.
  6. I have no idea how to "hold a meeting," "do a memo," "take a lunch," "think outside the box" or even sit behind a desk for that matter.  I eat, sleep, fly, and drink.  I am an instrument of national policy the likes of which your clients have never seen.  I would just as much detonate a Mk 82 Air Burst 20 feet above a North Korean playground than wander through some corporate office blabbering about business plans and the latest episode of Ally "eat a friggin sandwich" McBeal.

Thank you for your letter and please let me know if any of your associates show interest in my capabilities.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Hawgsmoke 2010