Hawgsmoke.com
Hawgsmoke 2010
13-16 October 2010
Boise, Idaho
Ugly American
I purchased a car this last weekend and let me tell you it is one sweet ride. Picture me in a 1993 Hyundai Sonata. I was looking for a car for about 500 bucks, but this little beauty had a cd player with a cd changer in the back. I figured that was worth an extra 500 bucks. I gave it its first road test yesterday in a run up to Seoul. Let me tell you that little puppy might as well have wings. I have no idea how fast I was going due to the fact everything is in metric. I have made it a point in my life not to bother clouding my mind with such trivial pursuits as to learn the metric system. However, being a citizen of the world's only superpower I was obliged to use the 'Superpower Lane'. This little gem is a result of the fact Koreans can’t speak English and won’t pull Americans over. On both sides of the highway, there are extra lanes, the right reserved for emergency vehicles, and the left for busses. These are the Superpower Lanes. As consequence, I was passing Koreans like they were standing still. It seems these Koreans are watching out their rear view mirror due to the fact they hit their brakes when you come up on them traveling twice their speed. At any rate, great fun. If any of you can find your way over here, I will introduce you to the 'Superpower Lane'. On a side note, stop signs and traffic lights also don’t apply to Americans.
I once again lent myself to a potential international incident. I had to go to the housing office to file for my temporary living allowance. The Korean lady helping was not at all happy to see me being I was about two hours late for the official time they usually do this. At this point I had to tell her I do not defend her country on the housing office's schedule. I then went on to say I had a quota of North Koreans to kill a day and that I got my UN standard 4, however my bullet to North Korean ratio was not what it should be, the perfect ratio being 1 to 1. Well, as many of you know, I'm a little louder than the rest of the kids and this time was no exception. I came to realize this when I looked behind me and could see I had the full attention of the entire building, half of which were of the Korean persuasion who were now staring me with blank stares, of what seemed to be, astonishment. The other half, which were Americans, reacted with smiles and laughs. I not sure whether these Koreans had a hard time reading my humor or they were simply offended by the idea of me killing what very well could be their long lost families. At any rate, this did not go over too well.
My bed situation might have been mentioned before. You can all be rest easy now. My bed was replaced. Now my feet only hang six inches over the end instead of the aforementioned foot. I now sleep in a modified semi-hypotenuse rather than the 'full monty'.
